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# Humour Page

You know you're lagged when | You know you've been playing too long when

## You know you're lagged in Quake When ...
(these are all culled from the Quake Newsgroups)

| Your idea of Deathmatch is doing some funky breakdance moves before getting killed.
| You program your moves into a macro so that 30 seconds later you'll actually do something useful.
| You seem to have this *REALLY* strong attraction to the Volcano God.
| You can't walk through a door without smacking your face on each side of the frame twice.
| You have to use a different handle when you play at home so as not to mess up the fame you've accumulated playing in the office.
| You get fragged anytime you try to get that bloody rocket launcher on the island in the water in the Grisly Grotto.
| You have no hope of getting the nailgun on the start level because you are guaranteed to fall in the lava.
| You get stuck in the moat at the castle.
| You are amazed when your grenade launcher actually scores a hit and you're not damaged.
| You almost feel pity while your gibbing someone who's actually worse off than you.
| You see and hear every single nail that comes out of the Perforator (Super Nail Gun).
| You put one of those rotating cartoon wheels on your screen to make it look like there is continuous action.
| You let go of the movement arrow keys and say 'Neat, my player is possessed by the superfly girls', as you move uncontrollably.
| Gravity starts to work in this order: 32 ft/sec, 0 ft/sec, 32 ft/sec, 0 ft/sec etc.
| You see a rocket coming from a mile away and move 1 step before it hits.
| You measure the server's update rate in 'seconds per frame'.
| You find yourself taking an unguided tour of the level.
| You fire a rocket and manage to hit yourself 30 seconds later.
| You feel like your watching a very painful slideshow.
| The rankings screen shows more action than the fight that just killed you.
| You've developed heightened ESP.
| You stop laughing at people who can't walk and chew gum at the same time.
| You suddenly die for no apparent reason and see someone walking away.
| You have macros to reach the exit on 'House of Lag' from every starting position.
| After triggering said macros you can get a beer and be back in time to see if you make it to the exit without dying.
| You fire a rocket at someone as they come around a corner, but they axe you to death from behind.
| You wish there was an 'auto fire' to go along with 'auto-run'.
| The only person you can frag has a 1000+ ping rate.
| When your favoutire player name is Latent
| When you manage to get a kill it's on that gravity less level in the pyramid room while you're in the air.
| You've expended every grenade that you have at a player who isn't there any more.
| You lose 100 health from what seems to be a single axe stroke (no quad damage),
| You spend five minutes trying to line up under that torch holder so you can get armour only to have someone zip past you to get it.
| You see the rocket thats about to kill you, stop right in front of your face.
| Your happiest on the House of Chthon level.
| You get telefragged 8 times at the start of the above level.
| All you do is run up to walls and blow yourself away with rockets.
| You take your finger off the shoot button and keep shooting for 30 more seconds.
| You fire 25 rockets and all you manage to do is kill yourself.
| Walking through doorways becomes a major ordeal.
| Aim! Yeah right.
| People call you a camper, but you'd move if you could.
| You run around like a drunk on ice.
| You have 1 frag.
| You can't jump up to get the yellow armour in E1M2 without falling in the water, ever.
| You can't run and jump onto the first ramp in E1M1, you always fall off the side.
| Playing drunk/stoned actaully makes you BETTER!.
| You see a player run down a long hallway and disappear after the first image. FORGET about trying to hit them.
| You ALWAYS get telefragged because you can't move off the platform.
| At night you dream of a T! connection, and running a -listen server on it.
| Your Quake name is 2_MINUTE_LAG. Anybody remember how easy it was to kill me.
| You create an alias to kill yourself just before someone gets an easy frag on you.
| Your opponents compliment you on your innovative sacrificial tribal dances around weapons and powerups. After you're sacrificed of course.
| You could easily get a Ph.D in Quake architecture with your intimate, close-up knowledge of wall composition and structure.
| You realize nobody else has noticed that there are only 5 standard patterns the walls pixelate to as you walk up to them.
| You turn your monitor on your side to see what the levels should look like.

Top of Page

## You know you've been playing Quake too long When ...
(these are all culled from the Quake Newsgroups)

| You've worn through your mouse pad, and caused friction burns to your desk.
| The status bar is burnt into the screen.
| You have to remind yourself to stop and clip your fingernails every now and then.
| You quit church, with the explanation of "I'll just respawn".
| You've actually asked the Sears rep where the nailguns are.
| After being shown the nailguns, you say "No... the super nailguns!".
| You try to compensate for lag, and collide with the wall on the way to the bathroom.
| Neighbors watch you suspiciously as you labor many latenight hours trying to convert your leafblower into a lightning gun.
| You'd sooner be shot point blank in the head by a shotgun then jump into a full swimming pool.
| Almost all of your social interation occurs in #quake .
| You put your wedding ring on, and for just a moment, think you're invisible.
| You answer a knock on your apartment door to find two Jehovah Witnesses representatives, books of worship in hand, selling their beliefs, and you have to contain your instinct to press '7' to bring up your rocket launcher.
| You are blowdrying your hair by a bathtub full of water and you have this desire to toss the blowdryer in the bathtub to see what happens.
| Someone jumps on your bed as you wake up, and you think "Shit! Telefragged!"
| You see a story on the news about camp grounds, they interview some people who the caption labels as campers and you instinctively want to reach for your rockets launcher.
| You worry about the colors of your uniform in Quake, making sure your pants and shirts don't clash.
| You find a box of nails, stuff your mouth full of em and start spitting them out thinking you're a nail gun. finally, you faint from hyperventilation.
| Taking a quick peek into the lounge to make sure it is free of campers before going in to watch violent movies on TV.
| You only put on a shirt in the morning if it is hovering a foot above the floor and slowly rotating.
| You get fired from your construction company for you "nailgun antics".
| You start walking through your house going, "Cool! 3-D!"
| You go out to buy a box of nails but come home with a NIN CD.
| You watch "Night of the Living Dead" and wonder why the idiots don't have a rocket launcher.

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